Friday, August 10, 2012

I'm a Hazard to Myself. Don't Let Me Get Me.

             I bet you're wondering why I am naming this blog after parts of a P!NK song. Well, SO am I. I just... Hell, I don't know who I am today. I didn't know who I was, yesterday. I probably wont know who I am, tomorrow, either. Sometimes I get in a funk. I guess it's excusable, being that I've been through a helluva lot this year. Parts of me are missing. I feel that, sometimes, these parts of me are endangered. I feel that these missing parts of me could be lost for good. I don't want that. I want my life back. Sometimes I don't know how to be strong anymore. It's tough, when you've been the strong one your whole life, and nobody ever let you break down, but that's a whole other blog.
           I've been bringing myself down, lately. I have had seriously negative thoughts, that aren't safe for me. They just bring me further down until I can't take it anymore. I want to fight my way out of it, with my good natured, joking, monster strong personality. But. I. Can't. Fuck that. Yes I can. I am me, I am not a pussy. I can do this shit. I need to pull my clever, little head out of my ass up for air and DO THIS SHIT, HOOYAH!. I owe it to myself and my family (those of them who actually love me for me, and aren't selfish bitches who try to bring me down). Fuck feeling sad about it, what's that gonna do for me? Not. A. Fucking. Thing.
             Yeah, I can do this make this problem my bitch. I've got this under wraps. Right? Yeah. That's right. Bet your sweet ass bottom dollar. I will be better, tomorrow, than I was today, and better the day after that. This is my life, and I am taking control of it RIGHT NOW. I truly can be my own worst enemy. Nobody can be harder on myself than me. If those of you, who care to point out all of my weaknesses and mistakes, are reading my blog, thanks NO THANKS for the encouragement  discouragement.  I'm a far better person than you give me credit for. Watch and see.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

My Youngest Son

              Oh my adorable, chunky, little ball of awesomness! I love you, my baby boy. I am so proud of you, too. You are so handsome, so sweet, and so wild and free-spirited. You're smart as can be, too. I just want you to know, I love you, boy. Mommy will always be here for you, no matter what. You were named after a great man, and I have always said, "If you grow up to be half the man he was, at his worst, I know I can be proud".  This is true. I see so much personality in you, sweet boy. 
               I know you're only two, but you will also be an amazing man someday. You are a very lovable person, when you want to be. You are such a little joy to be around. You have no fear, and you've always ran wide open. I thank God for you. I was so surprised when I found out you were coming into my life, but cried tears of joy when I first saw your handsome little face. It hurts me so bad that people are trying to keep you and your sister and brother away from me, but I will get you guys back, I have Faith. They tricked me, and I pray you never know the pain I feel without you guys. I want to give you some advice, now, and always remember this: Never Sign Anything if you arent completely sure what it is. 
                I miss all three of you guys, so much and I am so ready to see you guys. Your stepdaddy is someone you can look up to, and he loves you guys, too. I know that you love him with all of your little heart. I am so glad he's been in your life. I know that you'll be an awesome man, one day, my baby boy. I am sorry you have such a manipulative, lying person as a stepmother, and that your "father" is never there for you. I know that you're smart enough to know that I am your MOMMY, even though your stepmother tries to tell you otherwise. I know you miss me, and I miss you, too. You guys had the most stability you've ever known when you had both me and your stepdaddy there all the time. I love you, my sweet child, and this, too, shall pass. 

My Oldest Son

                    My little stud, you are so wonderful! I am so proud of the little man you are. You are truly a mommy's boy and I know that you always will be. You really saved my life. I was at such a difficult time in my life when I found out I was pregnant with you. You made me wake up and realize what I had to do to get my life back on track. I just want to let you know that you are one of the reasons I am alive today! You're such a blessing, my little stud. You're worth every extra pound I gained when I was pregnant lol. You make me so proud! 
                  First of all, you are such a soft hearted, little one. You are smart as can be, you take after me there, as your siblings do. I can see myself in your smile, too. I thank God for you and the amazing young man I know you'll become. I can not wait to see what you become in this life. I know that you and I have a special bond and that you'll never turn your back on me. I will never, ever, turn my back on you, either. I know that right now things are tough, my sweet boy. Please never lose that twinkle in your eye. You can always come to me, with ANYTHING! I promise. I pray that you will always be a man of God. I pray that nobody ever hurts you. I pray that you are always as positive as you are right now. 
                   Baby boy, you are going to make some woman a very wonderful husband when you grow up. I can see the good man you will become, in the future. I know that you haven't had such a positive role model as a father, but I know how much you've always looked up to your stepdaddy, and I hope you know that he loves you, too. The way that he loves your mommy, is the way I want you to love, when you are grown. I am so glad for the time he's spent in your life, doing "boy things". I am so glad to see how much of a good big brother you are. I know that you love LM and our little Lady Bug. It made my heart swell with pride when I saw you hold them both for the first time. I know that your older sister, and you, go at each other at times, but I know you'll always love her, too. And I know you will always look out for one another and that makes me so happy!
                      Please, never forget how much I love you, my son. Please never change, always smile the way you do now. You have so much greatness in you. I love you, my boy.

My Oldest Baby

            This is a lil something I've written to my oldest child, my "Scooter Poot".
Oh, where do I start? You are so completely amazing! I am so proud of how intelligent you have shown that you are, and how awesome it is to know you. I am so proud to call you my daughter. You didn't just save my life, you helped me become who I am, today. I look into your beautiful face and I cannot help but to smile. You are my first born child, and you showed me how to love. You taught me how to be unselfish, you are the reason I think before I speak. You put meaning into my life and I never knew true love until I felt you moving in my belly.
        I know I have made mistakes, sweet girl, and I know that you will see past them, when you are older, because I raised you to be kind, and to be a Christian. I promise not to cry, too much, when you get to the age where you think you don't need me anymore. I promise to always be here for you, no matter what. I promise I will always believe in you. I thank God for you every day and night, and ask him to bless you with health, intelligence, and happiness. You will only understand how deep my love for you is, after you become a mom. I would do anything in this world for you, my sweet girl.
         I can honestly rest assured that you will achieve greatness in your lifetime. You are such a smart person. I can see that you will be loved by all, because since you were a baby, you have never met a stranger. I know in my heart that you are strong, because we have been through so much. I see myself in your smile and that makes me so happy. Thank you, sweet girl, for being a child that I can be proud of. I love you.