Dear AT&T,

      Hello, I would just like to tell you that, "fuck you ". How dare ou deceive me into thinking I was getting unlimited long distance for 20bucks a month! You wretched whoremonger! Dare thee actually  charge me seven cents a minute? Dare thee?! Is there no phone service that will cater to my needs? It is a sad day in America, when you lie to me, as a service provider, to gain my trust, only to leave me on hold for well over 10 minutes. How freaking dare you! Stop interrupting my hold music with your stupid speel about how " thank you for your patience" because I really don't have Any and I think we should keep this HONESTY shit going! And if you or your ppl tell me to not text and drive, again, I'm gonna get stabby! Ok? Because I am not only, not coordinated enough to walk and text, but not dumb enough to drive and text! So stop insinuating that I would do such a thing. And by the time you assholes get on the phone, I will have already forgotten what the hell I was calling you about. I'm calling you out, AT&T. Boom bitch.

Well, hell.

     I seriously need to blog more. But I'm not even sure very many people are still reading. I get into
these "funks", where I have NO creativity, and I don't even want to talk. I view everything that entertains me as a mindfuck and then I feel like I'm consumed by my own words. I forget that talking myself down- really fucks my own mind up. And then ... It's okay again.
     Okay. But IS it okay? Is it ever going to be okay, again? I really don't know. I think the world, or the majority, is pretty much fucked. I think I can be "okay" for my kids sake. Someone has to. I will limit my emotional train wreck days from now on, because it definitely works that way. I can control this powerless feeling. Uh huh. Do you know why I am blogging at 230am on a Tuesday ?
     I. Can't. Sleep. Forfuckssakes. There is simply, too many things I've got to stress about. Like feet. I hate them, so much. They are so nasty. And there are so many feet. Have you READ The Foot Book, man? Good God. Oh yeah, and I told another really freakin awesome blogger The Klonopin Chronicles, that I have a blog, but that it sucks. Lol. I mean, my poems are good. Totally. But this, this rambling, that I do, it is just that. A mess of rambles. Thrown together exactly as it comes into and out of my insane mind.
    "What the fuck is the point?"you may wonder. I don't fucking know. Maybe these are the voices in my head, escaping. Maybe I just do whatever the fuck I want, because "fuckin a I'm me". If you happen to be bored enough to read further back... There's never a goddam point. Maybe a bitch just needs a nap? Yeah. That's probably it. Hormones. Insomnia. "Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder". I think, all I really need is a hug, but don't ever fuckin touch me, man. I will cut a bitch. Oh, and the more I think about all of these thoughts, the more it seems like I might be "chemically imbalanced", I am almost certain anxiety disorders alone can't cause all of this ? Where the fuck are the doctors? Can I get a diagnosis, via interwebs? Graci.
    Okay, seriously, this is what happens inside my head. Now I'm gonna go drink some chamomile tea, and hopefully fall asleep. This is exhausting. X's & O's goddammit.

It's Been a While

                       Sorry to leave everyone hanging...Is anyone still linked in?
    Okay, Lately... Just a lot of shit has been going on. I have been creating more graphics than anything. As you can see if you have me on Facebook. Mom-entarily Mental. I'm into that. It really helps me to let off some of my steam. I'm also busy being a mommy to a very busy toddler. There is nothing better, really. I've been cutting ties with a lot of losers. People that just like to bring me down. You know the sort? Always firing at you when you are at your lowest. Fuck em. If you can't love me at my worst, why the hell do I want you around, anyhow? I have been way too nice for way too long.
   What else? Well I'm dealing with my anxiety (or trying to). My hunny actually thinks that anxiety is something fake. Like I want to not be able to deal? I want to always be afraid that I am going to die? I want to feel like I have forgotten how to breathe. Yeah, that's it. You can't really help someone understand what you are going through, when they just wont. I go to my page to deal with it sometimes. I talk to friends, when they aren't busy. And sometimes, I seclude. Sometimes, I am just tired of feeling like a burden to those I love. I just want to belong in the world, comfortably. Yanno? I am sure a lot of you can relate. Ya ever afraid to go to sleep, because you just feel...unsettled? Well try feeling that way EVERY night. And dealing with it alone, for the most part.
    So, that's the Mental part of me. Enjoy every savory bite.

What Did You Come Here, For.

I came to be anonymous,
 I came to be alone.
 I came to close a door I had opened,
 I came to drive you home.
 I came to listen to all you had to say,
 I came to be more like a friend.
 I came to come outside and play,
I came to celebrate the end.
 I came for beer I came for laughs,
 I came for my own good.
 I came to put aside the past,
I came to take whatever I could.

Mom-entarily Mental <3

I'm a Hazard to Myself. Don't Let Me Get Me.

             I bet you're wondering why I am naming this blog after parts of a P!NK song. Well, SO am I. I just... Hell, I don't know who I am today. I didn't know who I was, yesterday. I probably wont know who I am, tomorrow, either. Sometimes I get in a funk. I guess it's excusable, being that I've been through a helluva lot this year. Parts of me are missing. I feel that, sometimes, these parts of me are endangered. I feel that these missing parts of me could be lost for good. I don't want that. I want my life back. Sometimes I don't know how to be strong anymore. It's tough, when you've been the strong one your whole life, and nobody ever let you break down, but that's a whole other blog.
           I've been bringing myself down, lately. I have had seriously negative thoughts, that aren't safe for me. They just bring me further down until I can't take it anymore. I want to fight my way out of it, with my good natured, joking, monster strong personality. But. I. Can't. Fuck that. Yes I can. I am me, I am not a pussy. I can do this shit. I need to pull my clever, little head out of my ass up for air and DO THIS SHIT, HOOYAH!. I owe it to myself and my family (those of them who actually love me for me, and aren't selfish bitches who try to bring me down). Fuck feeling sad about it, what's that gonna do for me? Not. A. Fucking. Thing.
             Yeah, I can do this make this problem my bitch. I've got this under wraps. Right? Yeah. That's right. Bet your sweet ass bottom dollar. I will be better, tomorrow, than I was today, and better the day after that. This is my life, and I am taking control of it RIGHT NOW. I truly can be my own worst enemy. Nobody can be harder on myself than me. If those of you, who care to point out all of my weaknesses and mistakes, are reading my blog, thanks NO THANKS for the encouragement  discouragement.  I'm a far better person than you give me credit for. Watch and see.
         

I wrote the following poem, and then added the graphic.....

Yup, this is my shit. Just posting it here first....

My Youngest Son

              Oh my adorable, chunky, little ball of awesomness! I love you, my baby boy. I am so proud of you, too. You are so handsome, so sweet, and so wild and free-spirited. You're smart as can be, too. I just want you to know, I love you, boy. Mommy will always be here for you, no matter what. You were named after a great man, and I have always said, "If you grow up to be half the man he was, at his worst, I know I can be proud".  This is true. I see so much personality in you, sweet boy. 
               I know you're only two, but you will also be an amazing man someday. You are a very lovable person, when you want to be. You are such a little joy to be around. You have no fear, and you've always ran wide open. I thank God for you. I was so surprised when I found out you were coming into my life, but cried tears of joy when I first saw your handsome little face. It hurts me so bad that people are trying to keep you and your sister and brother away from me, but I will get you guys back, I have Faith. They tricked me, and I pray you never know the pain I feel without you guys. I want to give you some advice, now, and always remember this: Never Sign Anything if you arent completely sure what it is. 
                I miss all three of you guys, so much and I am so ready to see you guys. Your stepdaddy is someone you can look up to, and he loves you guys, too. I know that you love him with all of your little heart. I am so glad he's been in your life. I know that you'll be an awesome man, one day, my baby boy. I am sorry you have such a manipulative, lying person as a stepmother, and that your "father" is never there for you. I know that you're smart enough to know that I am your MOMMY, even though your stepmother tries to tell you otherwise. I know you miss me, and I miss you, too. You guys had the most stability you've ever known when you had both me and your stepdaddy there all the time. I love you, my sweet child, and this, too, shall pass.